Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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