so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
