I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
