I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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