she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
