I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
