my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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