I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
