We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
