It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
