why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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