I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
