Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
