I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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