i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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