i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
