Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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