Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
