I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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