that's an acceptable place to lick
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
