You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
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Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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