But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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