The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
