i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
