I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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