i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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