Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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