I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
