life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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