I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
