we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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