i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
