You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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