Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
