I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
