im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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