Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
