so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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