Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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