i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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