If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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