Banned from zoo.
Again?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
