So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
