She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
