Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
