She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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