my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
