I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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