It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
