sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
