There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
