i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
