Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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