You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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