did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
