oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
